Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
