she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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