no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
