I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
