dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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