i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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