hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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