TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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