Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
