she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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