you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I think your dad took our porno
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize