I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
