someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
