So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
