I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
