Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
