party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
