after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
