my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize