She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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