i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Randomize
