Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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