Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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