Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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