I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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