if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
