12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife đŹ
He said I have the âDenzel Washingtonâ of vaginas.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You know that we wouldnât even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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