Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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