after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
