I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize