I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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