I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
