I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
