I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
