just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
