i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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