I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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