It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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