1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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