Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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