I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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