I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
