I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
