Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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