I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You may now shotgun with the bride
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
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