I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
