I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
