we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
