Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
