the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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