I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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