I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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