I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
