i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize