I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
