God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
