dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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