you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
