They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
