Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
