go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
