I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
