Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
