i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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